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Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

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I ran across this book and thought it would be good to post a review of it for others to see and read.

I don't advocate going through life living in fear that you will be attacked and killed because you didn't see it coming.  However, there are sound reasons to be aware of your surroundings and alert to possible danger. 
 
It is only common sense to realize that we live in a world where our actions can trigger violence against us and sometimes we can become the victim of violence by just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

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The Gift of Fear Book Review

By mortaine

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About the Book

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker has been given to me by well-meaning friends more than once, but I finally sat down to read it this month. This is not an easy book to read-- at several points, I had to stop and think carefully about how I felt about what I was reading.

Rage was, for me, the most common emotion, because as a rape survivor and the sister (biologically and spiritually) of abused women, I wanted to take my copy of the book, coat the pages with concrete, and smack a few dozen men in the head with it. This is a difficult book to read, but if you are a woman, you must read this book. For starters, it could save your life, and that's not just hype.

Predicting Violence

Over and over throughout the book, de Becker stresses that, by paying attention to verbal and behavioral clues an individual gives off, you can predict whether or not a person or situation will turn violent. He uses examples from his own personal life, from the studies his protective services company has conducted, and from nationwide studies. Time and again, he demonstrated that the guy who "kept to himself, no one could predict" was clearly a simmering time bomb waiting to go off, usually with weeks of predictors for violent behavior preceding whatever horrific tragedy this quiet loner enacted.

He also provides a list of predictors, kind of the basic tools for survival, like a history of violence in childhood (as the victim), violent incidents leading up to the crime, verbal or written threats and statements of intention ("I'm going to kill you"-- not uncommon as a threat), and a fascination with weapons. De Becker points out that no crime happens without someone thinking to themselves that they want to do it, and that they can do it. The thought is there. Then the words come-- the threat of violence is a sure predictor, and the one we are most likely to ignore. Finding a means in the weapon, or simply taking advantage of the weapon of opportunity. Finally, there are usually violent incidents leading up to the big crime-- practice, in a way-- the murderer is testing his own limits.

This isn't just for serial killers-- de Becker points out that these predictors are common in spousal abuse cases (where ignoring the threat or even actual violence is often a sure road to death), child abuse, school and workplace shootings, fatal robberies, rapes, and public assassinations.

In addition to predicting a violent incident by observing the perpetrator before it happens, de Becker gives the all-important cues to listen for when you are actually in the situation, including: 

                 A nagging or suspicious feeling-- most of the time, women in particular will have an intuitive sense that something is wrong. Listen to this instinct!!! It will save your life.

                 Anxiety, particularly unexplained anxiety. The woman who sits on a bus next to a killer who strikes up a conversation, and who is suddenly anxious that the bus is going to crash is being alerted by her body to get away from the killer.

                 Humor, particularly dark humor, is an interesting one, because we often use humor to defuse a volatile situation, but people also often laugh at inappropriate moments because our laugh reflex kicks in when we don't know what else to do.

De Becker has an entire list of these, but they boil down to the same message. When your mind and body genuinely tell you to fear, you should listen to them. 

Identifying Bad Boyfriends

If I could recommend one part of this book to anyone, it would be Chapter 10: Intimate Enemies, and I would recommend it to any woman who has ever feared her boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. It's all about domestic violence. The 9 chapters leading up to it would be good reading, too, because in every chapter, de Becker mentions the thousands of women who die every day because they ignored the fact that their partners were killing them.

"Intimate Enemies" delves into the predictors for violent partners, but you can learn those in the previous chapters. A wife or girlfriend has the best vantage for seeing predictive behaviors-- she sees the rages, hears the words "I'm going to kill you" and knows the state of constant fear. She is in a permanent state of fight-or-flight, and usually overrides both instincts for emotional reasons of her own.

This chapter has not only led to thousands of women saving their own lives and the lives of their children, it's also led to men getting help. Because domestic violence isn't pathological in the sense of being unstoppable. An abuser can get help, can get into therapy and save the lives of his family (whether he kills them or not, violence at home destroys their lives).

Chapters 8 and 11 would be my second recommendation, and it goes out to all the girls who have ever found themselves picking up the phone to say "I told you not to call me!" This persistent stalking behavior is one of the predictors of violence, and how you interact with it can shape how the bad boyfriend (or even bad date) will behave towards you. Ignoring him is the best option-- it's when we continually engage, even to say "go away," that the stalker gets mixed messages and persists in his harassment. 

Violence in Children

There's a whole chapter dedicated to children, protecting them from violence as well as dealing with violent kids. For me, as a non-parent, the chapter was an academic exercise. For a parent, though, I imagine it would be a powerful and perhaps chilling lesson to read. 

Understanding the Media

The rest of the book is useful for learning how the media amplifies and encourages violence. The amount of celebrity a killer can get from killing a blonde 10 year old girl is, frankly, obscene. Heck, the amount of celebrity a person can get just for confessing to killing a blonde 10 year old, even if he didn't do it, is also obscene.

The media circus surrounding celebrities, public figures, and the people who assault them is part of why these crimes continue to happen and why they are so prevalent. It's also why child kidnappings come in groups. Partly, the media picks up on additional stories when one is on the radar. But again, thought and possibility have to occur to the perpetrator before the action occurs. When a would-be child killer sees on the news that a little blonde girl's disappearance is all the media can talk about, the idea enters his head-- I could do that.

I was already a pretty jaded viewer of these sensationalist stories. I detest them-- I would rather see the nightly news turn off ten minutes early or even show ten minutes more of commercials (and you know I hate commercials!) than have them run more stories about cute kids getting kidnapped.

From my own non-clinical observations, the Amber Alert system does not do an adequate job of protecting children, because it turns kidnappers into instant celebrities, and encourages more violence through vigilanteism. And I'm not afraid to point out racial bias-- we all know that little black children go missing, too, but if you live in the inner city, I guess your disappearance doesn't warrant a statewide manhunt.